softmuse's journal

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 20:32:26 GMT

"but i need a place where i can shout and weep. i have to be a spanish savage at some time of the day. i record here the hysteria life causes in me. the overflow of an undisciplined extravagance. to hell with taste and art, with all contractions and polishings. here i shout, i dance, i weep, i gnash my teeth, i go mad -- all by myself, in bad english, in chaos. it will keep me sane for the world and for art."
-anaïs nin

skyburnsred

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 16:32:17 GMT

last week someone told me i was the embodiment of his perfect girl, and i (obviously) tensed up like a little turtle in his shell. i've been replaying the moment in my head and the more times i rewind, the more it feels like a complete fabrication. i wish it was. now there is this heavy, awkward fog that envelops us. and since tuesday i've been having nightmares, flashbacks to days when it seemed like i was the cause of a new trampled heart every week. 5am: i wake up moist with sweat, my brain riddled with anxiety -- i can't stop remembering how many remarkable friendships i had that were destroyed in this same fucking way. first i feel greedy, then completely alone.

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 20:31:30 GMT

i wish they had dr. mario tournaments, because i kick serious ass. (the past week of my life has revolved around old skool nintendo, carryout courier, and watching horror movies.)

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 18:59:36 GMT

this is the dress i'm absolutely obsessed with:

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 19:43:41 GMT

s&m

westside 4 life!

pizza and red death a la timmy

don't judge us

yes this is really in the bathroom. the ladies room has love drops and swedish massage oils.

dangerous

i love that arto is holding a gun and a powerdrill.

best picture ever

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 19:37:50 GMT

wow, i really suck at this. i guess i have an excuse because i've been on my deathbed for the last week or so. but i am feeling better now, or at least i am forcing myself to feel better because timmy is visiting for the week and arto is coming down tonight and it's really pathetic how so much of my happiness is dependent on those two men.

last weekend's trip to moco was sort of a bust since i was so sick and spent most of the time hacking up a lung in the hotel room. plus i got ditched by some people that i considered my best friends but i'm a big girl and i don't hold grudges so whatever. last night i beat craig at pool and it was seriously one of the highlights of my life. however, this enormous black man had put quarters on the table and i was way too scared to play him so i forfeited my win and i hate myself for it. i swear i could've fit in this guy's back pocket.

tonight doug and mark have another show at the other place, i'm getting tired of those uncomfortable booths and the red carpeting on the walls. but it's saturday so we should get a pretty decent crew out and doug has been working on whitesnake's "here i go again" so at least there will be some new material. i'm sure rob will end up doing some guest vocal's and i think i will have to get him drunk so he will finally sing "fuck her gently" in public.

oh yeah, doug and i set a date for the wedding. september 9, 2006. cross your fingers for an invite. hah.

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 00:20:59 GMT

"Some may never live, but the crazy never die." -HST

My literary hero is dead and I still can't believe my fucking ears. I'm just utterly speechless. Looks like tonight a marathon of Where the Buffalo Roam and Fear and Loathing is in order. Or perhaps I'll put on Doug's "Support wildlife - drink Wild Turkey" shirt and read Kingdom of Fear. Man, this sucks.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 19:35:16 GMT

I love getting my friends so drunk that they bounce off every wall and and slur and laugh for no reason. I do not like getting them so drunk that they walk through (yes, through) my screen door and rip my shower curtain off the rod.

Other than that, there's nothing to complain about. I'm happy to finally have created a pretty decent base of friends here in York. It doesn't mean I miss my MoCo friends any less, but we have a good time pretending to be pool hustlers and quoting Napoleon Dynamite and singing along to Denis Leary's "Asshole" at Doug and Mark's encores...

Doug and I had a really important talk, and even though we were drunk and it was almost 5am, I think it is going to change our lives for the better. But first I kinda want to explore this idea of moving to Boston for a year or so...or perhaps back to OCMD...

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:46:49 GMT

I suppose I should write a little, especially now that several people have been fearing the worst. Don't worry, folks. I am quite well and quite alive -- I have merely weened myself from LiveJournal's precious teet.

Actually, it's been a ridiculous and drunken few weeks. I should begin with seeing Bright Eyes in D.C. a few weeks ago. It was my third time seeing them and completely reinforced why they are my favorite band. They played the entire "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning" album, with a few other special goodies thrown in (hello, "Loose Leaves"). All you W. haters would love hearing "When the President Talks to God." Or at least read the lyrics. The best surprise of all is that our entire show was being broadcast over NPR, so I'm attempting to MP3 the experience. If any of you are interested in hearing them or the opening bands (Tilly and the Wall and CocoRosie), IM me or drop me an email or something.

On the ride to D.C. it started snowing like a mother. So Doug and I decided to stay overnight and play it safe. Of course I refused to sleep anywhere inside the city boundaries, so we drove on 95 for a little before trying to settle into a hotel. And of course there were no vacancies until our last possible option. We were so desperate at this point that $109 to rest our eyes at 2:30AM at a Hampton Inn seemed like a good idea.

Doug and Mark have played a couple other shows at The Other Place. They are starting to sound pretty good, despite their slight forgetfulness (two weeks ago they forgot their set lists and songbook; last week Mark forgot his guitar). You have to hear them cover Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time."

Last week I finally agreed to venture to the Tourist Inn. It's a bar down the road a bit -- I've been a little sketchy on going, since it's the kind of place that has strippers at 4:30 in the afternoon. But I went anyways and thankfully all the strippers had gone home so we played pool and were having a great time until this douchebag who had stared at me for the entire evening reached down the bar and handed me a $50 bill. Mind you, I am surrounded by two freakishly tall guys, as well as my fiance. The guy didn't say a word to me, but started talking trash to my friends and pulling out $100's. Somehow they all ended up in the men's room and he stared at Doug and called him "little man." When the bartender went to break it up, the guy came out and sat in Doug's stool next to me at the bar. He still hadn't said a word to me, and by this point I was visibly upset. I asked if we could call him a cab or buy him a beer, but he still just sat and stared. Mark was ready to beat this shit out of him for disrespecting us -- and hopefully make some money in the process. I didn't want any of my friends getting arrested because of this random asshole so eventually the guy got kicked out and we went home and I doubt I will ever return to the wonderful watering hole of the Tourist Inn.

But at least now I know my boobs are worth at least $150 bucks.

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:04:38 GMT

I'm so bitter. My junior year at Moravian, I took Irish Mythology. It was a brand new class and I absolutely loved it. This year, the class is being offered as a May Term... in Ireland. They will actually be able to visit all the historical places we read about and different storytellers to hear about old Celtic myths and legends. Alumni are invited to attend the two-week trip, but the deposit is due on February 4th. Had I known sooner, I would've already had a pile of money saved. Sigh.

At least I have a fun weekend ahead! Today/Tonight: Spending the remainder of my Christmas money at H&M/90's Trivial Pursuit marathon and heavy drinking with the York crew at our place. Tomorrow: Bright Eyes in D.C. Sunday: Doug & Mark's second acoustic show at The Other Place. Here's some pictures from

they still haven't settled on a name: S&M or Alcoholicaust?

Mark's mom and Heather (his ex-fiance)

Lee and Jessica

me and Heather

Dale and Mark

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 20:22:50 GMT

Snow! Finally! I've missed wearing my warm J.Crew sweaters. We have a keg of Natty Ice in the kegerator and it brings back so many fuzzy memories, like

In other news... D. bought me the first DVD of Carmen Electra's Stripaerobics. I definitely think I would've preferred a pilates video, but you know boys and their big dreams...

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 03:15:15 GMT

As much as I have negatively biased myself against bands who named themselves after cities or states, I must admit that Boston's "More Than a Feeling" is one of my favorite songs ever produced.

P.S. I'm drunk.

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 00:51:58 GMT

I'm waiting for D. to get back from Maryland and I forgot how much it sucks to drink alone. I wish C. would answer his damn phone; we've been playing phone tag since Christmas Eve and I miss him.

your stomach's filled up
but you're starved for conversation

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 00:02:34 GMT

As much as I despise the current Real World: Philadelphia cast, I cannot help but laugh at the roommates complaining about Melanie's insane, one-sided ramblings and incessant interruptions during conversations. MJ's rant especially reminded me of life at 130 W.Frankford Street -- being stuck in the hallway in front of the bathroom, listening to Michele complain about meaningless trivialities of life. In some freakish way, I miss it...

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 22:46:59 GMT

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire Cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

I am far too boring to update anything of substance. Days have been spent drinking and eating and watching Family Guy and Christopher Walken's SNL skits and playing Leisure Suit Larry on PS2. Ordinarily this would feel like a waste of time, but it's been so rainy (read: everyone has been so hungover) that no one has had energy to leave the apartment.

I wish it would snow.

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 06:42:36 GMT

New Years '05. A quiet evening in New Jersey with my family, fiance, and two closest friends. (Minus T., who made an appearance the following day and is currently living on our couch in York. I'm not allowing him to leave until next week.) Unfortunately, I currently am suffering from an awful sore throat and too many hours of work this week. Some conniving (or begging) may be in order.

+ D.'s tortellini alfredo
+ Anchorman
- sore throat
+ "Do what now?"
- work tomorrow
+ The Da Vinci Code
+ re-runs of The Surreal Life

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:08:37 GMT

2004 in review.

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
    Graduated college, moved to a new city, joined a band, got engaged.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    No.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
    Erin, my future sister-in-law.

Did anyone close to you die?
    Emily, it still hurts to think about it.

What countries did you visit?
    All of the ones at Epcot.

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
    A realistic idea of what I want to spend my life doing.

What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    - January 12, the Poon Queen night
    - April 30, last college class ever
    - May 14, officially reunited with Doug
    - June 26, moved to York
    - August 6, The Cure!
    - October 15, the proposal
    - October 21, birthday in Disney World
    - November 6, Emily
    - November 19, Not Guilty

What was your biggest achievement of this year?
    Not failing Chaucer.

What was your biggest failure?
    Almost failing Chaucer.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Just some awful hangovers and drunk bruises, remember my purple ass?

What was the best thing you bought?
    Tivo. Hands down.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
    Well I guess I'd have to say Doug, otherwise this diamond on my finger might mysteriously disappear.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    Michele's. It's really sad how quickly a friendship can change -- it seemed like one day she was my red-headed twin and better half; the next she was Satan's spawn/Post-It note spaz leaving "lose some weight, fatty" signs on my door.

Where did most of your money go?
    Beerbellies cheese fries and $1 Coors Lights.

What did you get really, really excited about?
    Disney World, The Cure, graduation, our first "nice" apartment, the new couches!

What songs will always remind you of 2004?
    Modest Mouse "Float On" - Postal Service "Brand New Colony" - Ryan Adams "To Be Young" - Fall Out Boy "Grenade Jumper"

Compared to this time last year
    i. are you happier or sadder? Happier in many ways, sadder in others.
    ii. thinner or fatter? - I wish I could say thinner.
    iii. richer or poorer? - Richer, although my credit card bill may prove otherwise.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Reading.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
    Crying.

How will you be spending Christmas?
    I worked from 6-1 Christmas Eve, hopped in the car for Maryland, watched Collateral with Doug's parents, ate dinner, opened presents, back in the car to Jersey, passed out for a few hours til my sister was tiptoeing in my room at 6:30, presents until 10, major nap until 12, lots of family time and a 6-pack of Smirnoff Ice, Christmas Vacation and pj's.

Did you fall in love in 2004?
    Yes.

How many one night stands?
    No.

What was your favorite TV program?
    O.C., Scrubs, American Idol -- I miss watching TV with Timmy for eight hours at a time. God only knows what would have happened if we'd had Tivo back then.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    No.

What was the best book you read?
    Candy, Go Now, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, Choke

What was your greatest musical discovery?
    The Shins, Muse.

What did you want and get?
    The love of my life back. Oh yeah, and a new cell phone.

What did you want and not get?
    Timmy to move to York... maybe next year.

What was your favorite film of this year?
    Garden State

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I met Snow White and various other Disney characters, walked around Epcot, had a great Italian dinner with my in-laws. I turned 22.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    More time at 130 W.Frankford Street.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
    Jeans, scarves, tank tops, flipflops.

What kept you sane?
    My roommates.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Stephen Lynch.

What political issue stirred you the most?
    The war in Iraq.

Who did you miss?
    My little sister.

Who was the best new person you met?
    Amy Schaffer.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
    Real love is forever, so just have faith.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    "This might just be a waste of time / but there's no one I'd rather waste my time with than all of my best friends" -Fall Out Boy

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 02:20:41 GMT

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

Have a great holiday everyone!

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 02:31:19 GMT

I have recently decided that I will lie, cheat, beg, and steal to get Dan Finnerty -- the wedding singer in Old School -- to perform at our wedding. His actual band, The Dan Band, plays all the time in L.A. and covers Salt n Pepa's "Shoop." He is my hero.

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 00:08:55 GMT

I own these. Or rather, they own me.

Will I have bad karma for spending minimal money on Christmas gifts for my family members while stocking up on jeans, khakis, Docs, books and the like for myself? Oh well. I really did need new pants.

D. and I exchanged one present each today. I have serious ants in the pants about his other gift(s), which are currently locked in the glove compartment of his new Audi. I decided to give him Leisure Suit Larry for PS2 -- in exchange I got Everyone Poops. I can't wait to display it proudly in the bathroom.

Our still-nameless band -- I'm partial to "The Plotkillers" -- has a show this Saturday. I am so most definitely not ready for it, but in some ways it's exciting. I think I will plan on being extremely intoxicated so my nerves don't get the best of me and cause me to chicken out. Bah.

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 04:53:33 GMT

A long night of horrific arguments with my mom ends in a grin I can't even put into words.

vintagesaint: will you really be in my wedding party?
mattjd82: if you really want me to be, of course -
mattjd82: but, i dont like long dresses

Post script:
This is partially because having a male bridal attentant will cause my mother to have a flipping heart attack. But mostly because it has felt so unnatural inviting all these female friends to be bridesmaids when I feel more like acquaintances than best friends; M. on the other hand has been there whole-heartedly for me for the past three years.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 17:49:21 GMT

Always a hilarious time with my boys --

• M. getting stuck in the booths at Beerbellies
• Cervix!
• Embarrassing females from A.'s past
• Red Death @ last call
• "Since you're from Maryland, do you eat a lot of crab cakes?"
• Team Artans!
• Brian Griffin?

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 18:58:26 GMT

These are long overdue.

So many lovely memories, except for D. vomiting by the pool (luckily there is no photo of this). It feels like this trip was so long ago but it hasn't even been two months. And with E. gone now, it really makes the time spent there so much more special. This was probably the best vacation I've ever been on -- besides my summer-long vacation in OCMD, of course.

The Mad Hatter asked if Pennsylvania was where they made pencils. And he told me I should buy one because my pen wasn't working properly.

We're sneaking away to Bethlehem for the weekend. Making a quick stop on Sunday to check out our first wedding venue, The Stroudsmoor in the Poconos. It looks perfect but my mom is making quite a fuss about the distance. For once I'm ignoring her because I'm too excited to see S. and the boys I was too much in an adrenaline haze to enjoy seeing at Homecoming.

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 04:26:29 GMT

I'm constantly dizzy, looking for houses and planning a wedding all at the same time. I literally am swimming in wedding books and magazines -- my mom thinks it's impossible to plan a wedding in less than a year. And while I am becoming more and more stressed out about it, I'd much rather be rushed in my planning than wait until Fall '06 and be off my rocker with anticipation.

This weekend we're heading back up to Bethlehem -- Delt retreat or something. Hopefully this means I will have the majority of my favorite boys all in the same town for a good old fashioned drinking binge. I think a bar crawl of sorts is planned, but really I wouldn't care if I was just sitting in a gutter with a couple of forties and my crew. Watching the finale of Laguna Beach tonight depressed me tremendously, despite how lame it is.

Oh, I think it's time to watch Family Guy and enjoy a few beers with my fiance since I haven't seen him at all today. I bought an awesome mug from Spencer's the other day that has a little bell attached to ring when you're empty. It's horribly annoying but so fucking handy for a lazy person such as myself.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 01:47:12 GMT

Oh, drama. My mother thinks I am not ready to be married or own a house, solely for the fact that I haven't been to the dentist in over a year.

Also, she believes that since we don't want to be married in a church, we obviously do not understand the sacrament of marriage. Planning this wedding is going to be a piece of cake, eh?