"but i need a place where i can shout and weep. i have to be a spanish savage at some time of the day. i record here the hysteria life causes in me. the overflow of an undisciplined extravagance. to hell with taste and art, with all contractions and polishings. here i shout, i dance, i weep, i gnash my teeth, i go mad -- all by myself, in bad english, in chaos. it will keep me sane for the world and for art."
-anaïs nin

skyburnsred

last week someone told me i was the embodiment of his perfect girl, and i (obviously) tensed up like a little turtle in his shell. i've been replaying the moment in my head and the more times i rewind, the more it feels like a complete fabrication. i wish it was. now there is this heavy, awkward fog that envelops us. and since tuesday i've been having nightmares, flashbacks to days when it seemed like i was the cause of a new trampled heart every week. 5am: i wake up moist with sweat, my brain riddled with anxiety -- i can't stop remembering how many remarkable friendships i had that were destroyed in this same fucking way. first i feel greedy, then completely alone.

i wish they had dr. mario tournaments, because i kick serious ass. (the past week of my life has revolved around old skool nintendo, carryout courier, and watching horror movies.)

i love the complete randomness my life has become. awesome visits from even more awesome friends. multiple pitchers of red death (which after a quart of bloodshed i've concluded is very bad news). "chronic boner" and pussy photos and gay love triangles and other various vulgarities. timmy using the word "diatribe" on a weekly basis. almost getting evicted from our apartment for being ten days late with the rent check. tivo like whoa, especially conan and dawson's and svu and charles in charge. long conversations with my eight-year-old munchkin sister about her friends, boyfriends, dance parties, homework, and protein. singing along to really bad 90's music at work, as well as watching episodes of inspector gadget, heathcliff, and sabrina the animated series. fall out boy (and sylvikins!) next month and reverend horton heat the month after that. easter candy. valentine's candy. stale halloween candy. stuffed shells and garlic bread at 3:30am. uncontrollable laughter and no tears in months.

life is good. and i'm renewing a friendship with someone so fucking special to me, who i thought was lost from my life forever.

( moco in york! )

"Some may never live, but the crazy never die." -HST

My literary hero is dead and I still can't believe my fucking ears. I'm just utterly speechless. Looks like tonight a marathon of Where the Buffalo Roam and Fear and Loathing is in order. Or perhaps I'll put on Doug's "Support wildlife - drink Wild Turkey" shirt and read Kingdom of Fear. Man, this sucks.

I love getting my friends so drunk that they bounce off every wall and and slur and laugh for no reason. I do not like getting them so drunk that they walk through (yes, through) my screen door and rip my shower curtain off the rod.

Other than that, there's nothing to complain about. I'm happy to finally have created a pretty decent base of friends here in York. It doesn't mean I miss my MoCo friends any less, but we have a good time pretending to be pool hustlers and quoting Napoleon Dynamite and singing along to Denis Leary's "Asshole" at Doug and Mark's encores...

Doug and I had a really important talk, and even though we were drunk and it was almost 5am, I think it is going to change our lives for the better. But first I kinda want to explore this idea of moving to Boston for a year or so...or perhaps back to OCMD...

This entry has been deleted because I realized how sickeningly cheesy Valentine's Day posts are. Unfortunately, this particular Halmark holiday happens to fall on our anniversary. So happy four years and thanks for being perfect blah blah I love you. You know that already though because it's whispered from my lips every night before my eyes shut tight and dream about what our lives will be like four years from today.

I suppose I should write a little, especially now that several people have been fearing the worst. Don't worry, folks. I am quite well and quite alive -- I have merely weened myself from LiveJournal's precious teet.

Actually, it's been a ridiculous and drunken few weeks. I should begin with seeing Bright Eyes in D.C. a few weeks ago. It was my third time seeing them and completely reinforced why they are my favorite band. They played the entire "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning" album, with a few other special goodies thrown in (hello, "Loose Leaves"). All you W. haters would love hearing "When the President Talks to God." Or at least read the lyrics. The best surprise of all is that our entire show was being broadcast over NPR, so I'm attempting to MP3 the experience. If any of you are interested in hearing them or the opening bands (Tilly and the Wall and CocoRosie), IM me or drop me an email or something.

On the ride to D.C. it started snowing like a mother. So Doug and I decided to stay overnight and play it safe. Of course I refused to sleep anywhere inside the city boundaries, so we drove on 95 for a little before trying to settle into a hotel. And of course there were no vacancies until our last possible option. We were so desperate at this point that $109 to rest our eyes at 2:30AM at a Hampton Inn seemed like a good idea.

Doug and Mark have played a couple other shows at The Other Place. They are starting to sound pretty good, despite their slight forgetfulness (two weeks ago they forgot their set lists and songbook; last week Mark forgot his guitar). You have to hear them cover Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time."

Last week I finally agreed to venture to the Tourist Inn. It's a bar down the road a bit -- I've been a little sketchy on going, since it's the kind of place that has strippers at 4:30 in the afternoon. But I went anyways and thankfully all the strippers had gone home so we played pool and were having a great time until this douchebag who had stared at me for the entire evening reached down the bar and handed me a $50 bill. Mind you, I am surrounded by two freakishly tall guys, as well as my fiance. The guy didn't say a word to me, but started talking trash to my friends and pulling out $100's. Somehow they all ended up in the men's room and he stared at Doug and called him "little man." When the bartender went to break it up, the guy came out and sat in Doug's stool next to me at the bar. He still hadn't said a word to me, and by this point I was visibly upset. I asked if we could call him a cab or buy him a beer, but he still just sat and stared. Mark was ready to beat this shit out of him for disrespecting us -- and hopefully make some money in the process. I didn't want any of my friends getting arrested because of this random asshole so eventually the guy got kicked out and we went home and I doubt I will ever return to the wonderful watering hole of the Tourist Inn.

But at least now I know my boobs are worth at least $150 bucks.

I'm so bitter. My junior year at Moravian, I took Irish Mythology. It was a brand new class and I absolutely loved it. This year, the class is being offered as a May Term... in Ireland. They will actually be able to visit all the historical places we read about and different storytellers to hear about old Celtic myths and legends. Alumni are invited to attend the two-week trip, but the deposit is due on February 4th. Had I known sooner, I would've already had a pile of money saved. Sigh.

At least I have a fun weekend ahead! Today/Tonight: Spending the remainder of my Christmas money at H&M/90's Trivial Pursuit marathon and heavy drinking with the York crew at our place. Tomorrow: Bright Eyes in D.C. Sunday: Doug & Mark's second acoustic show at The Other Place. Here's some pictures from ( their first. )

Snow! Finally! I've missed wearing my warm J.Crew sweaters. We have a keg of Natty Ice in the kegerator and it brings back so many fuzzy memories, like ( this one. )

In other news... D. bought me the first DVD of Carmen Electra's Stripaerobics. I definitely think I would've preferred a pilates video, but you know boys and their big dreams...

As much as I have negatively biased myself against bands who named themselves after cities or states, I must admit that Boston's "More Than a Feeling" is one of my favorite songs ever produced.

P.S. I'm drunk.

As much as I despise the current Real World: Philadelphia cast, I cannot help but laugh at the roommates complaining about Melanie's insane, one-sided ramblings and incessant interruptions during conversations. MJ's rant especially reminded me of life at 130 W.Frankford Street -- being stuck in the hallway in front of the bathroom, listening to Michele complain about meaningless trivialities of life. In some freakish way, I miss it...

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire Cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."


I am far too boring to update anything of substance. Days have been spent drinking and eating and watching Family Guy and Christopher Walken's SNL skits and playing Leisure Suit Larry on PS2. Ordinarily this would feel like a waste of time, but it's been so rainy (read: everyone has been so hungover) that no one has had energy to leave the apartment.

I wish it would snow.

New Years '05. A quiet evening in New Jersey with my family, fiance, and two closest friends. (Minus T., who made an appearance the following day and is currently living on our couch in York. I'm not allowing him to leave until next week.) Unfortunately, I currently am suffering from an awful sore throat and too many hours of work this week. Some conniving (or begging) may be in order.

+ D.'s tortellini alfredo
+ Anchorman
- sore throat
+ "Do what now?"
- work tomorrow
+ The Da Vinci Code
+ re-runs of The Surreal Life

2004 in review.

What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
    Graduated college, moved to a new city, joined a band, got engaged.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    No.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
    Erin, my future sister-in-law.

Did anyone close to you die?
    Emily, it still hurts to think about it.

What countries did you visit?
    All of the ones at Epcot.

What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
    A realistic idea of what I want to spend my life doing.

What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    - January 12, the Poon Queen night
    - April 30, last college class ever
    - May 14, officially reunited with Doug
    - June 26, moved to York
    - August 6, The Cure!
    - October 15, the proposal
    - October 21, birthday in Disney World
    - November 6, Emily
    - November 19, Not Guilty

What was your biggest achievement of this year?
    Not failing Chaucer.

What was your biggest failure?
    Almost failing Chaucer.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Just some awful hangovers and drunk bruises, remember my purple ass?

What was the best thing you bought?
    Tivo. Hands down.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
    Well I guess I'd have to say Doug, otherwise this diamond on my finger might mysteriously disappear.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    Michele's. It's really sad how quickly a friendship can change -- it seemed like one day she was my red-headed twin and better half; the next she was Satan's spawn/Post-It note spaz leaving "lose some weight, fatty" signs on my door.

Where did most of your money go?
    Beerbellies cheese fries and $1 Coors Lights.

What did you get really, really excited about?
    Disney World, The Cure, graduation, our first "nice" apartment, the new couches!

What songs will always remind you of 2004?
    Modest Mouse "Float On" - Postal Service "Brand New Colony" - Ryan Adams "To Be Young" - Fall Out Boy "Grenade Jumper"

Compared to this time last year
    i. are you happier or sadder? Happier in many ways, sadder in others.
    ii. thinner or fatter? - I wish I could say thinner.
    iii. richer or poorer? - Richer, although my credit card bill may prove otherwise.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Reading.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
    Crying.

How will you be spending Christmas?
    I worked from 6-1 Christmas Eve, hopped in the car for Maryland, watched Collateral with Doug's parents, ate dinner, opened presents, back in the car to Jersey, passed out for a few hours til my sister was tiptoeing in my room at 6:30, presents until 10, major nap until 12, lots of family time and a 6-pack of Smirnoff Ice, Christmas Vacation and pj's.

Did you fall in love in 2004?
    Yes.

How many one night stands?
    No.

What was your favorite TV program?
    O.C., Scrubs, American Idol -- I miss watching TV with Timmy for eight hours at a time. God only knows what would have happened if we'd had Tivo back then.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    No.

What was the best book you read?
    Candy, Go Now, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, Choke

What was your greatest musical discovery?
    The Shins, Muse.

What did you want and get?
    The love of my life back. Oh yeah, and a new cell phone.

What did you want and not get?
    Timmy to move to York... maybe next year.

What was your favorite film of this year?
    Garden State

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I met Snow White and various other Disney characters, walked around Epcot, had a great Italian dinner with my in-laws. I turned 22.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    More time at 130 W.Frankford Street.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
    Jeans, scarves, tank tops, flipflops.

What kept you sane?
    My roommates.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Stephen Lynch.

What political issue stirred you the most?
    The war in Iraq.

Who did you miss?
    My little sister.

Who was the best new person you met?
    Amy Schaffer.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
    Real love is forever, so just have faith.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    "This might just be a waste of time / but there's no one I'd rather waste my time with than all of my best friends" -Fall Out Boy

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

Have a great holiday everyone!